Ok everybody, listen up. I know you want an iphone. Heck – I even want an iphone. What’s not to like? They’re fantastic little gizmos; they’re fun to play with, pretty to look at, and can do just about ANYTHING. Nevertheless, I’ve decided to put a ban on them. While I won’t say “buy an iphone and go straight to hell” I will say that having ‘iphone user’ on your application for permanent residency up here will subject you to further scrutiny and significantly stall your entry process.

Now I know this will not be easy to accept – I recognize that the iphone also has countless daily prayer and inspiration applications that can actually be used to promote Faith. However, the ban has been made after much deliberation, and the following essay / press release has been crafted by my people to give the main reasons for the ban and answer your questions. Hopefully, you will agree that this ban is for your own safety and eternal salvation, that this ban is congruent with our previous anti-technology stance, and that suffering through this life without an iphone will develop the character and inner strength necessary to gain entrance in your next.

Sincerely,

God.

Heaven bans iphone: regulation #232,002,340,203,845.

History has shown that every great period of human advancement and technological freedom has coincided with an increase in Sin, Evil, Sloth, Gluttony, and many other vices. When left unchecked, human’s natural impulses to fornicate, discriminate and abuse, and wield power for their own good leads to terrible outcomes for everybody. Thus, at certain times during human history, God has had to physically intervene to set right the course of events.

As both God and humanity have matured significantly in the last millenia, God has so far left certain modern advancements unchecked – indeed such technological progress could be used for Godly purposes, and are not inherently evil. However, the wild popularity of the iphone device has been declared a threat to God, and is hereby banned. This ban has been made based on the following arguments:

1) The iphone usurps the role and purpose of God.

God is the unanswerable answer and solution to every natural mystery: He has always been a source of comfort to humanity in the face of the unknown. The iphone allows users to ask and answer any question, any time, and to stay ‘connected’ to a ‘higher source’ of infinite wisdom and power. It has taken the already threatening power of Google and made it absolutely accessible.

2) The iphone decreases human need for interaction with God.

Humans have a need for interaction. Previously, humans were more prone to commune with God during periods of profound isolation and solitude. God is the cure for loneliness. God is found in quiet stillness. However, with the iphone, such stillness is never achieved. Although certain iphone applications can promote deepened states of meditation and clarity, the dependence on a manmade technical device rather than natural abundance for the source of wisdom is an obvious breach in security. Moreover, most iphone users may use the iphone to stay constantly connected to Facebook friends or other social media sites – greatly reducing the potential to experience isolation or loneliness – hence the need for God is reduced.

3) Iphone users display behavior similar to cult members or drug addicts.

The iphone is a tool that promotes division and discrimination. Owning an iphone and being a ‘user’ enables heightened degree of satisfaction and happiness in general – but at the same time, users can suffer from physical symptoms of withdrawal and craving when separated from their iphone for even short periods of time. Users form a distinct group of society, who can identify each other through secret symbols and rituals. Members believe everything and do everything commanded from their group’s leaders or authoritative parties. They feel ‘included’, and yet at odds with the outside world. They believe they are selected, chosen, special, and unique.

4) The iphone promotes laziness (makes life too easy).

After being kicked out of the garden, humans were specifically commanded to forge a life out of the sweat of their brow – life was meant to be hard and difficult, hence increase humans suffering and need for divine assistance. The iphone makes it easier for all kinds of work to get down faster and easier. It frees up extra time for frivolous pursuits and ‘playtime’ – and idle hands are the devil’s tools.

In sum, we feel that the benefits of having an iphone are far outshadowed by the drawbacks. Even if you don’t agree with our conclusions, the unreasonable popularity and demand of ‘the majority’ for this device should draw your attention to the potential dangers: giving that much power to a privately owned company makes it so much easier for them to control your minds and hearts, and draw you away from God’s True Love.

For further reading, we suggest the following 2007 article by Wired Magazine, which compares the use of an iphone to practices from sorcery and witchcraft:

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/alttext/2007/06/alttext_0627

At any right, I’ve decided not to pay for the very expensive surgery my cat needs. However, now I’m stuck at home with a very miserable cat. She doesn’t seem to be in too much pain, but she’s weak and slow – certainly at this point aware that something is wrong with her. Friends are saying I need to put her to sleep so that she doesn’t suffer.

I’m inclined to disagree with them, however. Why is it that we ‘put down’ our pets, put them to sleep, make the call that their life is over; we would never do this to humans. In fact it is almost universally illegal. Humans always choose to suffer, to have another sunrise, another sip of coffee, another sniff of flowers. Humans fight to survive as long as possible, and that is their right. It is also the natural way; the way I DESIGNED the universe. The biological imperative to survive. Why do humans who accept pets as their own (property) have power over their life and death?

Is it my responsibility to take my cat in to get put to sleep, because I don’t want to pay for the surgery? What’s wrong with letting her die in peace, at home, loved, surrounded by familiars – her favorite spot by the window, her favorite pillow? Is that less humane than a trip to a strange, busy, frightening vet’s office and getting a shot on a steel table? If I can’t bring myself to strangle my cat, or put poison in her food, how can I take her to the vet’s and put her down?

On the other hand, is my respect for my cat and sentimentality getting in the way of making the best decision for her comfort?

Today I woke up and had a brilliant mocha and pastry. It was so delicious. Then I spent the afternoon in my recliner. I stormed up a misty, wet sky. I caused the leaves to reflect the muted light of the sun and the bright orange leaves to stand out vibrantly against the gray sky. I made the temperature drop so that lovers could see each others’ breath in the air and huddle close for warmth. Yes, it was a perfect day. Tomorrow maybe I’ll make some ice or frost. Winter is my favorite season.

Oh, by the way, I didn’t get any Christmas gifts this year. I know I know – I’ve said before I don’t need any, and of course I don’t after all. But I did give you guys Jesus, my only son on Christmas. Some of you still go to Church, and that’s nice, or even donate to charities and I appreciate that. But back in the Old Days, somebody would buy something just for me, and then give it to me. They’d burn it up… well, OK, so I didn’t exactly get it, but they and nobody else would get it either, so it’s really the thought that counted.

Yes, it’s actually a waste, and it could be used to feed the poor. I can see that. Still; it doesn’t have to be much. It doesn’t even have to be cattle. Make me a card. Give me flowers. Do something more than pray for yourselves or your family. Why doesn’t anybody say “God Bless God”.

Oh well, nevermind. I guess I just get nostalgic or moody around Christmas like everybody else. Life is never as good as it was when you were a kid and could just look forward to getting presents without worrying about buying any. (And I never even had that.)

Still, I have New Year’s to look forward to and that’s a busy time for me; all those New Year’s Resolutions! A lot of you will be saying “God give me the strength to…” (do or don’t do whatever it is you’re trying to start or give up.)

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the big guy upstairs~!

If you’ve read the recent post on this blog in Satan’s Journal about To Write Love on Her Arms, I hope you’ll have a chance to see this post as well. You see, basically, Satan is a selfish asshole. That shouldn’t shock anybody. The ‘To Write Love on Her Arms” website clearly says that the original meaning of the movement was not to be trendy or fashionable. They can’t be held responsible for the idiocy and blind fanaticism of their ‘followers’ (the same can be said about Me, of course). To Write Love on Her Arms is teaching people with depressions or addiction to recognize the have a problem and get help; those are noble goals, and their popularity and success rates have only helped them in transforming the lives of their members.

Substance abuse is a destructive force in the lives of many, and an international, ‘cool’ movement speaking out against addiction and substance abuse is truly a miracle.

I just read Satan’s Journal about Jesus and contemporary art – what a load of bull! It’s obvious he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed; his grumpiness pervades the whole account.

The truth is, Christianity practically invented art! 80% of all the paintings ever finished are Christian paintings (OK – half of those are landscapes or still lives of fruit, but they were painted by Christians who saw My Hand in all Creation). The Jews and Muslims have never had a strong artistic tradition (just a lot of geometric designs) and other cultures mostly did sculpture. Painting as an art form grew and was perfected almost entirely under European Christendom. Technically I forbade any kind of representational crafts in the 10 commandments – but I let it go and I’m glad I did.

What about Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel or Da Vinci’s many biblical scenes? So what if they were commissioned by the Vatican – this just proves that the church has always been a strong supporter of the arts.

Sure, the church hasn’t always seen eye-to-eye with modern painters, but most of their work is garbage anyway. I mean come on – Dali was obviously insane and addicted to sex, all those messy ‘abstract’ paintings are completely devoid of meaning or skill, and contemporary art is usually harmless; rough and dirty graffitti-esque popart. Human beings will throw money at anything rather than just share the resources the have to feed each other.

And this Derek Murphy guy? Who the heck is he. I googled him and found this abhorrent picture:

What the heck?! I can’t even look at that. It makes me all hot and bothered and upset. That’s not art, that’s just mean. That’s defamation.  That’s sick. That guy’s got a sick and twisted mind. Of course Christians should feel uncomfortable around that – that’s an attack on everything they hold dear!

And geez – Christians are people too. They like beautiful things. They like art. They like to participate in social events. They are trying hard to hold onto their faith, be good people, live peaceful lives – what right has this Murphy guy got to put stuff like that out in front of them? It’s just rude! It’s a free planet (in some parts, sort of). Christians can go anywhere they want. Of course some will go to the exhibition where Murphy shows his work. Doesn’t he care how they’ll react? He’s got a lot of nerve to display stuff like that in public.

You want a good artist, stick with Norman Rockwell. Normal Rockwell’s paintings of boy scouts are holy, patriotic and expertly crafted. Now he’s an artist I can support!

I (inhabiting the body of the data processor I sometimes borrow to post this blog) went out tonight for sushi with a depressed friend. She’s been single for awhile, and was complaining about being a little chubby; she’s a cute and naive girl, suffering the loneliness and melancholy that affects all humans at various periods in their lives.

And so – I thought I’d post this blog on the meaning of life.

What are we here? What should we do? What’s the point of it all?

I get questions like this all the time. And you’re really not going to like my answer:

There is no point to it all! No, I’m not Nihilistic, I won’t tell you that Thomas Hobbes was right when he said life was short, brutish and dark (or something like that). But I am a pluralist. There are many ways, methods, religions, philosophies and lifestyles to choose from, and the difficulty is only in picking one that works for you. By ‘works’, I mean it makes you happy and keeps all those bad feelings of pointlessness out.

Some Traditional Beliefs

You can choose to believe that ‘the way to heaven is a narrow path’ and that if you aren’t careful, you will fall off the path (and I, being infinitely angry with a horrific vengeance) will cast you into the fire. Frankly – that idea is a little offensive, and will probably make you neurotic and narcissistic. You think I’m watching every tiny little thing you do, waiting for you to slip up so I can torture you? You don’t think I have better things to do with my time? You don’t think I designed the universe as a safe, gentle place?

You can also choose to believe that you are dirt and will die and cease to exist completely, so you should carpe diam and follow your bliss. You’ll probably have a lot of fun, but you might not learn much about yourself, or life.

I would recommend something in between these two – a ‘meaning of life’ that encourages you to be free and happy, but also teaches you to take responsibility.

I read a mantra in a yogic text a couple thousand years ago that I’ve always liked.

There is nothing you must do, there is nothing you must be, and there is nothing you must have. Even so, it helps to understand that fire burns, and when it rains, the earth gets wet.

In other words, although you are free, and there is no ‘right way’ to live your life, knowledge about cause and effect allows you to make choices that produce beneficial results.

It’s the road, not the destination! The purpose of life is LIFE – it’s the experience, the sensations, the love and heartache, the happiness and depression. Life is like a long movie (well, it’s more like a movie theater). You chose to go inside. There are lots of films playing. If you don’t like one, see another. When you’re finished, you go back to ‘reality.’

To use another metaphor – life is the mountain that everyone is climbing; everybody will eventually get to the top, no matter what. You cannot get lost. You cannot fail. You can take or time or hurry up. You can enjoy the scenery, or look at bugs, or eat, or think about naked women the whole time. You are there for the experience of climbing the mountain (living) but you will fill the time in your own way.

There are really only a couple of ‘rules’ to remember. These rules work just as well for Atheists and skeptics, you can accept the following without any belief in me.

1) Nothing matters. There is nothing you must do. You make the choices in your life. You cannot fail.

2) Appreciate your journey! I (God, the divine principle, the One) am experiencing my creation through you! No one on earth is seeing what you see, feeling what you feel, thinking what you think. You are absolutely unique, and everything you do is perfect. Enjoy it!

3) You have the power. To a large extent, you do have creative power to influence your own circumstances and experiences; however tapping into this power takes work, dedication, repetition, and motivation. If you aren’t constantly working to change your experience – don’t complain about it.

4) Every action has a consequence. The things that happen to you are caused by other things. What you do, even what you think, your attitude and how you treat others will all affect your life. So don’t be a fool and live recklessly, and then later complain if ‘all these bad things’ keep happening to you.

5) You will draw lessons to you. Humans are creatures of habit. You will probably live your life a certain way, which produces a certain consequence. If you find yourself in the same kind of situation over and over again (being drawn to people who aren’t right for you, etc), you will keep facing the same type of ordeal (often in increasing severity) until you learn what is causing it and how to avoid it (how to change your automatic responses).

If you have specific questions for me – send me an email or post a comment and I will blog about it.

Since I started blogging, I’ve gotten a lot of email demanding answers to life’s greatest questions. Now normally, all that stuff gets filtered to junk mail. I mean – who do these people think they are? Did they create the mountains? Did they set the sun in its course through the heavens? I don’t think so. Like I told Job, humans simply cannot hope to comprehend the mind of God…

However, I’ve got some free time today and will answer one question that caught my eye – ‘Which religion is right’. This is a little presumptuous, don’t you think? That only one can be right, or that any are right at all? But as religion plays a huge part in my reputation I suppose it justifies an answer. The answer is this. I AM WHO I AM, and I’m damn proud of it. Every religion says “God is mystery, God is unknowable, etc” and then goes on to give a bunch of tiny details about me and my personal life. I don’t know where they’re getting their facts from.

But hey – I’m INFINITE. You can’t expect me to be infinite and consistent at the same time, that would be impossible. No I’m not stonewalling, and I’m not saying all religions are wrong either. You found me, didn’t you? You know my name, don’t you? All I need you to do is look up and seek answers, and most religions do that OK.

You want ONE religion? Well, email me and tell me where you’re from. I make religions as cultural-sociographic manifestations of spirituality; and I’m pretty good at it. There’s probably a good religion near you right now. If not, maybe I can give you some suggestions and get you to start a new one.

Why do you want to hold me to one religion anyway? Did DaVinci paint just one painting? I’m an artist – I live in darkness and solitude and produce works that display my glory. Religions are just ‘appreciation clubs’ that send me fan mail.

If you have a specific question, why not email me and ask?

There’s a little Italian restaurant I like to drop in on that makes a fantastic salmon pasta; its one of my favorites. I went there today for lunch – I probably go about once a week, so they kind of know me. But every time I saw “I don’t want Parmesan Cheese” because it’s too rich for me, and every time, I mean EVERY TIME, they bring me a steaming plate with Parmesan cheese on top. And I’m not a picky person but I really can’t eat the stuff because it makes me uncomfortable, and I was very clear on how to prepare it, so I always send it back and they make me a new one.

It’s no big deal – its their loss, their mistake, I just have to wait longer. I feel a little sorry for them though, as they bring it out, and then I have to explain to them why I won’t eat it, and they take it back. It’s a little ritual. I’ve wondered if there isn’t someone back there who likes the same dish and does it on purpose. And my Italian is pretty good, not perfect, but good, so I don’t think it’s a language problem (although why the whole world didn’t just stick with Latin, I’ll never know. My Latin is superb). Da fidei quae fidei sunt.

Today though I was thinking about telling them off. Politely of course; just that I’m a valued customer and repeat business and they should be a little more careful. In 1432 There was an amazing little restaurant in Naples, and one day I got food poisoning from the shrimp and so I shut them down; I mean I burned that shack to the ground (in my defense, I was really sick). I’m not about to make a mistake like that again – over 600 years later and I haven’t found food so good.

Anyway, as I’m writing it’s clouding up a little, I think I’ll make it rain and take a nap.