Lose Weight and Save Your Soul: The Christian Diet

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(Satan’s Journal)

I decided to take advantage of this special deal (save your soul for $19.95) to try out an experiment. For the next week, I’m going to eat only Holy Communion, 24/7.

I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile – the reason I haven’t is that communion needs to be sanctified by a priest, and what priest is going to let Satan come in and partake of the Eucharist. Luckily, you can order this stuff online now.

Why am I doing this? Duh – I’m sick of eternal torment. You don’t think I want to get into heaven? Believe me, I want to. (I’ve already had all the girls down here, for one. And there are some Christians girls that are just wild.) And although Jesus just said, basically, eat and drink this meal ‘in remembrance’ and was obviously using metaphor, Christian dogma has since decided A) that the wine and bread of the Eucharist is actually Jesus’ real body and blood and B) the Eucharist is used for the forgiveness of sins.

OK – I’ll admit, I’ve been bad. I repent. So how much of this stuff do I need to eat? One communion wafer per sin? If you’ve played an RPG like Fable, you know that sometimes it’s hard to go from “Evil” to “Good” (You accidentally sacrifice an entire village to the Church of Skorm and you grow a set of irremovable horns…).

I just received my box of 1,000 communion wafers. They’re dry and taste like plastic. Whenever I think about the fact that I’m eating Jesus’ body it makes me gag. Luckily, there were no limitations on the wine so I brought up a few nice bottles of vintage Italian and am going to pretty much stay drunk all week, to mask the hunger.

Now normally, I’m a glutton. Great food is one of the most tantalizing pleasures in existence. But being fat can be limiting, and fasting is a great way to take a time out, cleanse your body. After a few days the hunger goes away, you feel calm and pleasant – but you can’t think clearly. So I’m not going to think.

Day 3: I’ve lost 10lbs already! Maybe it was because I got a migraine from all that red wine and threw up my intestines. I’ve switched to water today. Tomorrow I’ll go back on the wine. Body of Christ tastes like ass after the 500th wafer. I decided a little fruit juice was ok, and made myself some Daiquiris. Back in the day, communion meals would use bread.

Day 5: I ran out of wafers, so I’m calling it quits. FYI, 1000 communion wafers is about as much mass as 3 slices of bread. I lost 24lbs, watched a lot of movies, and overall had a pretty good time. Did I save my soul? Well – they say you are what you eat… am I Jesus now?  I just tried the walking on water trick but the water just starts to boil when I get in. I’m pretty sure I can’t raise the dead, although it’s debatable whether he can either (I never trusted that charlatan).

Conclusions: If you want to get holy and healthy fast, this might work for you; although the wine may be too rich. I’d recommend switching to that lemonade/maple syrup fast and asking a priest to bless it for you.