Since I started blogging, I’ve gotten a lot of email demanding answers to life’s greatest questions. Now normally, all that stuff gets filtered to junk mail. I mean – who do these people think they are? Did they create the mountains? Did they set the sun in its course through the heavens? I don’t think so. Like I told Job, humans simply cannot hope to comprehend the mind of God…

However, I’ve got some free time today and will answer one question that caught my eye – ‘Which religion is right’. This is a little presumptuous, don’t you think? That only one can be right, or that any are right at all? But as religion plays a huge part in my reputation I suppose it justifies an answer. The answer is this. I AM WHO I AM, and I’m damn proud of it. Every religion says “God is mystery, God is unknowable, etc” and then goes on to give a bunch of tiny details about me and my personal life. I don’t know where they’re getting their facts from.

But hey – I’m INFINITE. You can’t expect me to be infinite and consistent at the same time, that would be impossible. No I’m not stonewalling, and I’m not saying all religions are wrong either. You found me, didn’t you? You know my name, don’t you? All I need you to do is look up and seek answers, and most religions do that OK.

You want ONE religion? Well, email me and tell me where you’re from. I make religions as cultural-sociographic manifestations of spirituality; and I’m pretty good at it. There’s probably a good religion near you right now. If not, maybe I can give you some suggestions and get you to start a new one.

Why do you want to hold me to one religion anyway? Did DaVinci paint just one painting? I’m an artist – I live in darkness and solitude and produce works that display my glory. Religions are just ‘appreciation clubs’ that send me fan mail.

If you have a specific question, why not email me and ask?

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There’s a little Italian restaurant I like to drop in on that makes a fantastic salmon pasta; its one of my favorites. I went there today for lunch – I probably go about once a week, so they kind of know me. But every time I saw “I don’t want Parmesan Cheese” because it’s too rich for me, and every time, I mean EVERY TIME, they bring me a steaming plate with Parmesan cheese on top. And I’m not a picky person but I really can’t eat the stuff because it makes me uncomfortable, and I was very clear on how to prepare it, so I always send it back and they make me a new one.

It’s no big deal – its their loss, their mistake, I just have to wait longer. I feel a little sorry for them though, as they bring it out, and then I have to explain to them why I won’t eat it, and they take it back. It’s a little ritual. I’ve wondered if there isn’t someone back there who likes the same dish and does it on purpose. And my Italian is pretty good, not perfect, but good, so I don’t think it’s a language problem (although why the whole world didn’t just stick with Latin, I’ll never know. My Latin is superb). Da fidei quae fidei sunt.

Today though I was thinking about telling them off. Politely of course; just that I’m a valued customer and repeat business and they should be a little more careful. In 1432 There was an amazing little restaurant in Naples, and one day I got food poisoning from the shrimp and so I shut them down; I mean I burned that shack to the ground (in my defense, I was really sick). I’m not about to make a mistake like that again – over 600 years later and I haven’t found food so good.

Anyway, as I’m writing it’s clouding up a little, I think I’ll make it rain and take a nap.

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