ROFL. You guys sure missed the boat on this one – usually the crackhead religious nuts are the first ones to point the finger at technological advancements and claim that I inspired them. But I checked, and there are virtually no articles about the iPhone being Satanic, which is amazing if you think about it. They always say crap like “Satan’s greatest trick was convincing you he doesn’t exist” – then comes along a brilliant little device that is SO F-ING COOL that everybody wants one, and nobody says a peep. The iPhone is the NEW “opiate of the masses”. Atheists and Born Again Xians are both so happily using the iPhone’s Faith-Tailored applications (or saving up to buy one) that they haven’t noticed the overall implications.

Now I’m not saying I invented the damn thing – between you and me the technology is way over my head – but I admit that a strong argument could be made that the iPhone is Satanic. So I’m not surprised (although I think it’s really funny) that the GodSquad up in heaven cobbled up an offical ban; although it isn’t getting any press next to much more engaging ipad articles and reviews. (Click here to read heaven’s official ban of the iphone).

Although I have no personal vested interest in the matter one way or the other, for the purposes of rational theory and to satisfy my own inexhaustible curiosity, the following is my own, personal, Satanic review of what the iPhone is and represents.

1) The iphone is complete power. It combines all of the greatest of technological advancement in the past century. Cell phone to communicate with anyone in the world, at anytime. Mp3 player to listen to the music you choose whenever you want. Internet to look at anything, anywhere; search for information (virtual omniscience); send instant messages. Applications to enhance the quality or efficiency of your life. It’s secret is not only that it is the pinnacle of innovation, but that its simple interface allows the average person to do incredible things. Knowledge, especially, has long been considered a ‘Satanic’ quality. It was I that gave the fruit of knowledge to Adam and Eve, against God’s wishes. Is it merely a coincidence that the iphone is made by a company called and symbolized by an apple with a bite taken out of it? Could there be a more fitting, ‘Satanic’, symbol? The iphone is the final culmination of biblical literature. We have finally arrived at the forbidden fruit – not the one created by God and kept from us, but one of our own design the replaces the need for that God. (What does God know about the universe that humans do not? Modern science has completely overwhelmed the rudimentary biblical account of the universe).

2) The iphone is a status symbol. Although it’s functional, people buy it because it’s COOL. And then they feel compelled to play with it in public, or post picture onto Facebook with the tag ‘sent from my iphone’ so that everybody knows they have one. It is the ultimate ego-boost. It is a pride purchase, designed to make you feel superior to everyone else.

3) The iphone puts spirituality back into your hands. This may come as a shocker – but I’m not against ‘spirituality’. Properly speaking, you have a duty to grow as a person, to feel fulfilled, connected, happy, blissful. I just think you need to explore this path on your own, independently. Find the Truth inside of you instead of in an organized religion. Find it in nature, in God, in whatever you want to call it. Many people agree with this, without thinking of it as ‘Satanic’ – and yet it is: Satan has always been blamed with leading people to stray from the Church, seek their own answers, or ask questions. The iphone encourages all of these actions. With mp3 prayers, affirmations, iphone apps, meditation podcasts, etc, spending some quality time with your iphone can be much more enlightening than going to church, and you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission to do it.

4) Thus, the iphone represents freedom. Total, complete freedom. At least on the surface. The truth is much more devious – the iphone is a technological drug, designed to enslave you. Once you have one, you have to use iTunes. You have to use a designated (and possibly overpriced) cell phone service. You can do anything you like – as long you’re giving the appropriate amounts of cash to the ruling parties. Although, personally, I don’t consider myself in this manner – most of you do! So labeling the iphone ‘satanic’ as in tricking you into signing away your souls for the sake of some fun and addictive but meaningless pleasure should have been obvious for you. I, on the other hand, would still call it ‘satanic’, although mostly for the first 3.

So should you buy one? DUH. Of course you should. But be willing to understand, that if Christianity is true, and I’m the bad guy, then you’re definitely going to burn in Hell for the pleasure.

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Ok everybody, listen up. I know you want an iphone. Heck – I even want an iphone. What’s not to like? They’re fantastic little gizmos; they’re fun to play with, pretty to look at, and can do just about ANYTHING. Nevertheless, I’ve decided to put a ban on them. While I won’t say “buy an iphone and go straight to hell” I will say that having ‘iphone user’ on your application for permanent residency up here will subject you to further scrutiny and significantly stall your entry process.

Now I know this will not be easy to accept – I recognize that the iphone also has countless daily prayer and inspiration applications that can actually be used to promote Faith. However, the ban has been made after much deliberation, and the following essay / press release has been crafted by my people to give the main reasons for the ban and answer your questions. Hopefully, you will agree that this ban is for your own safety and eternal salvation, that this ban is congruent with our previous anti-technology stance, and that suffering through this life without an iphone will develop the character and inner strength necessary to gain entrance in your next.

Sincerely,

God.

Heaven bans iphone: regulation #232,002,340,203,845.

History has shown that every great period of human advancement and technological freedom has coincided with an increase in Sin, Evil, Sloth, Gluttony, and many other vices. When left unchecked, human’s natural impulses to fornicate, discriminate and abuse, and wield power for their own good leads to terrible outcomes for everybody. Thus, at certain times during human history, God has had to physically intervene to set right the course of events.

As both God and humanity have matured significantly in the last millenia, God has so far left certain modern advancements unchecked – indeed such technological progress could be used for Godly purposes, and are not inherently evil. However, the wild popularity of the iphone device has been declared a threat to God, and is hereby banned. This ban has been made based on the following arguments:

1) The iphone usurps the role and purpose of God.

God is the unanswerable answer and solution to every natural mystery: He has always been a source of comfort to humanity in the face of the unknown. The iphone allows users to ask and answer any question, any time, and to stay ‘connected’ to a ‘higher source’ of infinite wisdom and power. It has taken the already threatening power of Google and made it absolutely accessible.

2) The iphone decreases human need for interaction with God.

Humans have a need for interaction. Previously, humans were more prone to commune with God during periods of profound isolation and solitude. God is the cure for loneliness. God is found in quiet stillness. However, with the iphone, such stillness is never achieved. Although certain iphone applications can promote deepened states of meditation and clarity, the dependence on a manmade technical device rather than natural abundance for the source of wisdom is an obvious breach in security. Moreover, most iphone users may use the iphone to stay constantly connected to Facebook friends or other social media sites – greatly reducing the potential to experience isolation or loneliness – hence the need for God is reduced.

3) Iphone users display behavior similar to cult members or drug addicts.

The iphone is a tool that promotes division and discrimination. Owning an iphone and being a ‘user’ enables heightened degree of satisfaction and happiness in general – but at the same time, users can suffer from physical symptoms of withdrawal and craving when separated from their iphone for even short periods of time. Users form a distinct group of society, who can identify each other through secret symbols and rituals. Members believe everything and do everything commanded from their group’s leaders or authoritative parties. They feel ‘included’, and yet at odds with the outside world. They believe they are selected, chosen, special, and unique.

4) The iphone promotes laziness (makes life too easy).

After being kicked out of the garden, humans were specifically commanded to forge a life out of the sweat of their brow – life was meant to be hard and difficult, hence increase humans suffering and need for divine assistance. The iphone makes it easier for all kinds of work to get down faster and easier. It frees up extra time for frivolous pursuits and ‘playtime’ – and idle hands are the devil’s tools.

In sum, we feel that the benefits of having an iphone are far outshadowed by the drawbacks. Even if you don’t agree with our conclusions, the unreasonable popularity and demand of ‘the majority’ for this device should draw your attention to the potential dangers: giving that much power to a privately owned company makes it so much easier for them to control your minds and hearts, and draw you away from God’s True Love.

For further reading, we suggest the following 2007 article by Wired Magazine, which compares the use of an iphone to practices from sorcery and witchcraft:

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/alttext/2007/06/alttext_0627

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