Holy Blasphemy

(Satan’s Journal)

O.M.F.G. I just came across yet another website with a picture of the twin trade towers coming down and a blurry, ghostlike face (probably digitally enhanced) in the billowing smoke. Why in God’s name does everybody blame me for the 9-11 terrorist attacks? Are you on crack? Are you mentally retarded? I mean I’m used to people blaming me for all the shit in their lives, all the ‘evil’, but come on! A bunch of guys get together, who believe in God, worship God, do all this to please God so they can get into heaven – and Satan is blamed for it?! I might understand if I was God’s right hand man like before, and did all his nasty bidding for him, but I got fired, remember? The Archangel Michael does all of God’s dirty work now. And that’s not to mention all the politics involved (I hate politics – ‘no government is best government,’ I always say) and the fact that it happened early in the morning (man, I never get up before noon.) I got up and turned on the TV and everyone was freaking out and blaming me already.

Personally, I like those conspiracy theories that say the US government did it to drum up support for a ‘War on Terror’ (what a load of bull) in order to get oil. I mean, that’s a smart, diabolical, manipulative plan that I could get behind. If you want to blame a brilliant plan like that on me, go ahead. But if you don’t buy that – you can’t just make muslims ‘Satanic’ because you don’t like them. They’re god fearing believers. I keep telling them to stop praying 5 times a day, eat what they like, let their women run around naked… has any of that made one bit of difference? There’s no way you’re going to pin their actions on me.

I wouldn’t normally go around pointing fingers but its just so obvious in this case! A couple thousand years ago, a very progressive society built the world’s tallest tower (The Tower of Babel). Sure, it was only a couple of stories tall by modern standards, but they said they were going to keep building until they reached heaven and God flipped out. I was like – “there’s no freaking way they’re actually gonna reach heaven” but God wasn’t really sure at that point what mankind was capable of, so he knocked the whole thing down. The people at that time accepted that God did it to keep them low and humble, and they still worshiped him! I can’t get over that.

Label one guy ‘good’ and the other ‘bad’ and it doesn’t matter what they do… “God has a plan!” you say. Yeah right. He’s flying by the seat of his pants. You think he’s ever dealt with advanced particle acceleration and dark matter and the other stuff that’s going down in the laboratories these days? He’s up there tossing and turning, hoping you don’t wipe yourselves (and Him and all the angels) out with some wild experiment.

Me – what do I care? All I’ve done since the beginning of time is try to teach mankind to fend for itself without relying on ‘Divine Protection’. Once upon a time I was a freaking hero – I was praised for stealing fire, agriculture and all sorts of other technologies for humanity and enduring eternities of torment; then Jesus started that publicity campaign and I got totally smeared. Now I’m a freaking caricature. Do you honestly think I care what happens to you guys up there? I’m in Hell for eternity. I’d love it if you unmade the universe. God was too much of a sadistic bastard to destroy me, he had to punish me (and you, if you’re bad) forever. Fuck it. I’m tired of this shit.