Holy Blasphemy

(Satan’s Journal).

ROFL. You guys sure missed the boat on this one – usually the crackhead religious nuts are the first ones to point the finger at technological advancements and claim that I inspired them. But I checked, and there are virtually no articles about the iPhone being Satanic, which is amazing if you think about it. They always say crap like “Satan’s greatest trick was convincing you he doesn’t exist” – then comes along a brilliant little device that is SO F-ING COOL that everybody wants one, and nobody says a peep. The iPhone is the NEW “opiate of the masses”. Atheists and Born Again Xians are both so happily using the iPhone’s Faith-Tailored applications (or saving up to buy one) that they haven’t noticed the overall implications.

Now I’m not saying I invented the damn thing – between you and me the technology is way over my head – but I admit that a strong argument could be made that the iPhone is Satanic. So I’m not surprised (although I think it’s really funny) that the GodSquad up in heaven cobbled up an offical ban; although it isn’t getting any press next to much more engaging ipad articles and reviews. (Click here to read heaven’s official ban of the iphone).

Although I have no personal vested interest in the matter one way or the other, for the purposes of rational theory and to satisfy my own inexhaustible curiosity, the following is my own, personal, Satanic review of what the iPhone is and represents.

1) The iphone is complete power. It combines all of the greatest of technological advancement in the past century. Cell phone to communicate with anyone in the world, at anytime. Mp3 player to listen to the music you choose whenever you want. Internet to look at anything, anywhere; search for information (virtual omniscience); send instant messages. Applications to enhance the quality or efficiency of your life. It’s secret is not only that it is the pinnacle of innovation, but that its simple interface allows the average person to do incredible things. Knowledge, especially, has long been considered a ‘Satanic’ quality. It was I that gave the fruit of knowledge to Adam and Eve, against God’s wishes. Is it merely a coincidence that the iphone is made by a company called and symbolized by an apple with a bite taken out of it? Could there be a more fitting, ‘Satanic’, symbol? The iphone is the final culmination of biblical literature. We have finally arrived at the forbidden fruit – not the one created by God and kept from us, but one of our own design the replaces the need for that God. (What does God know about the universe that humans do not? Modern science has completely overwhelmed the rudimentary biblical account of the universe).

2) The iphone is a status symbol. Although it’s functional, people buy it because it’s COOL. And then they feel compelled to play with it in public, or post picture onto Facebook with the tag ‘sent from my iphone’ so that everybody knows they have one. It is the ultimate ego-boost. It is a pride purchase, designed to make you feel superior to everyone else.

3) The iphone puts spirituality back into your hands. This may come as a shocker – but I’m not against ‘spirituality’. Properly speaking, you have a duty to grow as a person, to feel fulfilled, connected, happy, blissful. I just think you need to explore this path on your own, independently. Find the Truth inside of you instead of in an organized religion. Find it in nature, in God, in whatever you want to call it. Many people agree with this, without thinking of it as ‘Satanic’ – and yet it is: Satan has always been blamed with leading people to stray from the Church, seek their own answers, or ask questions. The iphone encourages all of these actions. With mp3 prayers, affirmations, iphone apps, meditation podcasts, etc, spending some quality time with your iphone can be much more enlightening than going to church, and you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission to do it.

4) Thus, the iphone represents freedom. Total, complete freedom. At least on the surface. The truth is much more devious – the iphone is a technological drug, designed to enslave you. Once you have one, you have to use iTunes. You have to use a designated (and possibly overpriced) cell phone service. You can do anything you like – as long you’re giving the appropriate amounts of cash to the ruling parties. Although, personally, I don’t consider myself in this manner – most of you do! So labeling the iphone ‘satanic’ as in tricking you into signing away your souls for the sake of some fun and addictive but meaningless pleasure should have been obvious for you. I, on the other hand, would still call it ‘satanic’, although mostly for the first 3.

So should you buy one? DUH. Of course you should. But be willing to understand, that if Christianity is true, and I’m the bad guy, then you’re definitely going to burn in Hell for the pleasure.