Jesus is Sexy: Jesus’ REAL face from Turin Shroud

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Yahoo News reported today that a ‘scientist’ had discovered what Jesus really looked like, based on a reconstruction from the Turin Shroud, which is claimed to have been Jesus’ burial shroud:

Give me a freaking break. First of all – believing that the Turin Shroud has anything to do with Jesus takes more faith than believing that Jesus is a Son of God, or that he walked on water. But once you wander into the nebulous land of faith, hey who cares? This piece of cloth has a cool face on it. It must be JESUS’ face – because it’s cool. And because it PROVES he really existed – even though it came about a thousand years later.

Anyway, what do people think about the face – which is dark, hairy and handsome? They think Jesus is hot. That’s no surprise, girls have been getting wet for Jesus since Mary sensually rubbed him down with oil.

But when you think about it – the picture is handsome because it’s dark, and rough. Dark eyes, dark features, masculine, tough, bearded… where is the blond, blue eyed king of glory, ruler of the light? That’s supposed to be the good guy. You know who this picture looks like? ME!

That’s right – I confess. I’m behind the Turin Shroud. Doesn’t that make more sense? Do you really think Jesus should be handsome and sexy, then go around preaching abstinence? What a crock of bull. But it makes perfect sense for me to be sexy; plus, I’ve always been the ‘dark’ one, with a dark goatee, burning brown eyes, face hidden in shadows. Throw some horns on that picture and you’d know right away who you were dealing with.