The New 10 Commandments: Satan’s Tips on How to Be a Good Person (Or “God, the Internet Marketer”)

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(Satan’s Journal) First of all, who am I and why should you listen to me? I’m the Devil, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, etc. Don’t let that scare you – almost nothing you know about me is true. You see, unlike God, I care about what happens to you, to humanity as a race, and to the planet earth.

God on the other hand is like an internet marketer who launched a program 10 years ago and refuses to update it. He’s crafted the perfect sales letter, using all of the key phrases designed for maximum psychological effect. He’s made his squeeze page, his imminent deadline, and consequently has been raking in the cash for a decade (or in other words, pretty much forever).

Unfortunately for you, God’s 10 Commandments are pretty much useless in today’s modern world. They tell you virtually nothing about how to treat each other, how to be good, or how to make complicated ethical decisions. Nearly half of them are just about how great God is and how you have to keep on worshiping him instead of listening to anybody else! Indeed, this is truly a marketing scam at its most ingenious.

You buy the product and keep struggling to make it work for you to no avail. You think you must have done something wrong, because all of the testimonials you’ve read say how great and powerful this stuff is.

God did put out the “update” to his program, i.e. the revolutionary ethics of the New Testament and the saving powers of Jesus Christ – but unfortunately without an instruction manual that fits it all together. Should we keep both the Old and New commands? Is “Love one another” more important than “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain”?

Moreover, 4 of the original commandments are now pretty much covered by politics, i.e. the Legal System; or else pretty much embedded in social custom.

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.
SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.
EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.
NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Is this totally basic and ancient list of moral ultimatums the best that an Omniscient Divine Power can give you? No. The truth is, he just doesn’t give a damn. Like a late 90’s internet marketer, he’s cashed out his chips and is sucking down a margarita on some hot beach with a sexy girl on each arm. The world has gotten too complicated. He has no more advice for you. The modern world of social networking and religious conflict scares the crap out of him.

But I’m still here, trapped in this world for an inevitable crime that I was set up for, and I still have to watch all of the stupid, insane, cruel and brutal nonsense that you people are powerless to stop.

So for what it’s worth, here are my 10 commandments, or tips on how to be a good person.

1. Do whatever you want.

Obviously, not whatever (see rule #2). But it is critical that people find out what they want to do (what makes them happy, what they are passionate about) and do it. Follow your dreams, bliss, whatever. Spending your life doing things you hate, for stupid reasons like societal expectation, is sure to make you an asshole.

2. Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t like have done to you.

Why should this even be “ethics”. This is just smart thinking. “Be the change you wish to see in the world”, Jesus/Buddha’s “Golden Rule”…. it all boils down to “don’t shit where you sleep.” If you want to prevent something from happening to you, don’t spread it around. “What goes around comes around” isn’t an amazing, karmic law of supernatural ethics – it’s just pragmatic common sense.

3. Don’t ever think you know anything for certain.

When you think you’re right, it’s impossible for you to consider someone else’s  feelings, viewpoints, motivations, etc. You’re also much more likely to be a crass, stubborn, proud and violent jerk. Life is a big mystery (to you imbeciles anyway) and yet you’re so goddamn certain that you know exactly what’s going on. Knock it off already, it’s revolting.

4. Spend less time thinking about who you want to be and more time being who you want to be.

Here’s what most people do: They think they are a good person, because when they get rich or powerful or successful they promise they’ll donate, they’ll be nice to people, they’ll take care of others. But in the meantime, they’re absolutely focused on their own personal goals and hardly give anyone else the time of day. Wake up – there is no future. You are who you are right now. Were you a good person today? That’s all that matters.

5. Spend more time helping each other; not just friends or family.

You all want to spend more time with your friends and family. You all want to help out your kin. But you don’t give a damn about the starving millions of people. Sure, you can’t help them all. But you could send off $50 a month to feed about 100; rather than buying your kids or parents more shit they don’t need.

6. Give away 10% of your income.

Truly – this works wonders. If you make more than about $300 a month then you are in the world’s very top income bracket. 10% is a lot. It’s a big chunk. It’s supposed to be painful. Let it go. Start giving 10% (or start smaller, you weakling, with 5%) away to any charity. You’ll start to feel good about yourself. No you won’t have less – because giving away opens space in your life for more. When you give, you are letting go of your worry, your micromanagement, and you are trusting that things will work out – and they do.

7. Eat and drink fresh foods and water, with very little packaging.

That’s right. The world is ending, you goddamn fools, and it’s your fault. You know that the end of days is coming, the world is going to heat up like a marshmellow on a stick, and yet your waste is proliferating constantly. It’s disgusting to see the amount of trash you throw away. Yes YOU. Also, you eat crap so you feel tired, anxious and angry all the time. Eat better and you’ll feel better; you’ll probably start being nicer and taking more time to do good things.

8. Stop wasting time fantasizing about sex.

You all do it. Almost every day. You spend hours on porn, you imagine fornication with every handsome stranger or sexy woman. Now there’s nothing at all wrong with sex – even casual for fun sex – but wasting your time is just so… wasteful. Of all the things you COULD be doing to improve your life or the lives of those around you, and you spend it daydreaming about strangers you’ll never have. This is also bound to fuck up your real relationships, which you do have. Cut it out.

9. Teach kids how to think, not what to think.

The world would change in one generation if parents simply STOPPED teaching their kids all the hateful, abusive, limited and stupid things that they believe. Teach kids absolutely nothing and they would still turn out better than the mongrels you’re raising.

10. Stop caring so much about what other people do – unless they are breaking these commandments. Then lock’em up in an instituted designed to educate them.

You guys bitch and moan so much about what other people do (this is tied to #3). Other people are who they are. They aren’t your business. All you can control is what YOU do; focus on that. I don’t care what religion you are, it’s been said before, it’s a smart rule. Listen to those saviors you believe in! If you don’t, what the hell is the point of having them at all?