War on Christmas: a blasphemous ugly sweater giveaway contest!

Christmas isn’t a big deal here in Taiwan, so it’s hard to get “in the season” or riled up by this “War on Christmas” controversy. But I want to celebrate the meaning of Christmas by giving away two things I really want, rather than buying them for myself.

First up is this amazing Christmas “ugly-sweater” with Baphomet on it.

Next is this snazzy hoodie (that’s not even available outside of Taiwan but I’ll ship it to you). When  you zip it all the way up, you transfigure into Jesus. Then you can go around saying “Merry ME-MAS!”

jesus hoodie

These retail for about $80 each, so it’s a meaningful something that most people probably wouldn’t buy for themselves, but would love to wear – and I want someone cool to be out in the world wearing them.

How to win

Write a “War on Christmas” poem and put it in the comments. It can be a short limerick, a koan, a heroic couplet, a haiku, ballad, stanza or non-rhyming experimental. It doesn’t have to be long or very good. Funny or serious is up to you, just something about the whole “happy holidays” feud.

“Disqus” has an upvote function, so one winner will be the one that gets the most votes (popularity contest), the other I’ll choose based on effort/skill/style/content/how much I like it. If there are more than 50 entries I’ll give away three sweaters. (If several poems are exceptional, I may also give out some $25 Amazon giftcards for runner-up prizes).

Deadline = Dec. 17th

So it will possibly (but not definitely) ship in time for Christmas.

Thanks everyone, I posted the results here.

  • Cameron G

    Hickory dickory dock, jesus was sucking my cock, i called him a jew and spilled my goo, “hey satan ready for round two?!”

  • Alicia

    How I wish I was a fetus, maybe God would love me more
    than when I’m going down on some girl and being a general whore
    How I wish I was a good christian, maybe then I would feel whole
    and i wouldn’t have to say “hail satan!” every time i hit the bowl.
    How I wish I were alive back then, maybe i could witness the awkward stance
    when twelve-year-old jesus looked at a nun and pitched a tent in his pants.
    Merry merry christmas, all
    your savior was born today
    and if he comes back
    we’ll call him a quack
    and kill him again to make him pay.

  • Liz Johnson

    Santa Claus I beg of thee
    Place my presents below the tree
    So when I wake there I will find
    Books of Jesus Christ maligned

    Words that denounce Jesus the Jew
    Nietzsche, Dawkins, Harris, too
    All these would quite well suffice
    To spurn my hate of Jesus Christ

    I much prefer the ways of science
    In this field I find reliance
    Not with the fundies, the crazy Christians
    Or all the stupidity of religion

    It’s towards the Bible
    That I write libel
    I need these books to inspire
    Religious leaders to retire

    I tell you now, I guarantee
    People without God are free
    Those that worship made up things
    Are responsible for divine right of kings!

    Jesus saves the willing slaves
    As Christians pray for a better world
    We must all dig our graves
    Until the Atheist flag unfurls

    Truth though be it as it may
    I write the poem in an ironic way
    As I write this anti-religious letter
    I am praying for a satanic sweater

    Hail Baphomet

    • http://www.biggerfatterpolitics.blogspot.com BiggerFatterPolitics

      Here is a song by the Godly Republicans about the war on Christmas. http://biggerfatterpolitics.blogspot.com/2014/12/jesus-is-reason-for-season-by-godly.html

      Jesus is Reason for the Season.

      Santa’s just another name for Satan
      Even though Santa Claus is White
      He’s a godless European Commie Pagan
      Let’s shoot him down tonight!

      The rest is on Bigger Fatter Politics and it is one of those Poe’s law things in that the NeoCONs won’t realize that it is breaking their balls.1

  • Ninjette Nicholz

    Once upon a time there was Saturnalia,
    for about a week people were free
    they roamed the streets
    chaos, murder, rampage galore
    for only a week, the courts were no more
    not a slap on a wrist will be given
    for even the bloodiest crimes being committed
    this is all in good fun
    til on Christmas an innocent’s head is spun
    thus cleansing us all of impurity
    On with the story, away from what was once gory
    let us recall more evolutions of Christmas.
    Though they will claim today what
    has always been in his name
    was actually once used for Jew killing.
    They drug them threw the streets
    torture, rape, and murder.
    All part of Christians holiday traditions.
    Now all these years later
    We’ve adopted what seemed right
    left out all the killing and of course
    Jews blood spilling
    We’re left with a day
    within Solstice to pray
    oh wait, we all give gifts
    mainly to those who already have much
    but ignore the needy
    Christians with agendas
    mainly just to be greedy.
    But don’t forgot to include Christ
    or they give you a slice
    because Christmas is all about Jesus.
    PLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZ Give me the sweater so my fiancé can rock it to his evil gmas house everyone calls the devil because she is so MEAN and CRAZY…shes even mean to my 1 year old daughter!! and she calls herself a Christian goes to church every week and acts like shes better than everyone. SO PLZZZZ give me the sweater!

    • http://www.holyblasphemy.net Derek Murphy

      Hi Ninjette, trying to get in touch with you but don’t have your email… write me back?

      • Cameron G

        Hi derek Murphy, trying to get in contact with you about why my poem was deleted….

      • Ninjette Nicholz

        [email protected] plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz n ty ty ty ty

  • Austin Daugherty

    The essence of capitalism at her best,
    To fund the war machine.
    Burn the atheists, indoctrinate the rest,
    And wipe your sins clean.
    Irrational hope and hidden fears,
    Materialism to cope and holiday cheers.
    Desecrate carbon-based life,
    Challenge all who oppose,
    Rape and murder your wife,
    The good Christian life we chose.
    Children indoctrinated into capitalism,
    With happy Christmas cheers.
    The real act of fascism,
    Hidden with your fears.
    A time of jolly and greed,
    For the poverty-stricken family with nothing to feed.
    On this Christmas morning, for Satan we lust,
    For God has abandoned us.

    • http://www.holyblasphemy.net Derek Murphy

      Hi Austin, trying to get in touch with you but don’t have your email… add me on Facebook?

  • Horks Og

    Satans claws is coming
    Satans claws is on his way
    Satans claws is coming
    Let us sit around the tree
    Screw eggnog, take some LSD
    Satans claws is on his way
    Who gives a shitaboutchristmas?
    Becaaaause its fucking lame
    Satans claws is coming
    We can get merry in a secret grotto
    lets get drunk can be our motto
    Satans claws is on his way
    Lets make christmas for hating!
    On christian morality!
    Satans claws is coming
    Merry antichristmas
    My devilish bretherin

  • natas erom

    This’ the season… Fuck your god!

  • Daniel

    It all started fifteen million years ago, the war between Santa and Tehwobblez.

    It was a bright morning that day, Santa just woke up and went out to see the wonderful world before him. To no surprise everything was the same as all the days before, or so he thought. Little did he know hidden behind a tree within the forest he lived in was a young sprite known as Tehwobblez. Now Tehwobblez was no ordinary sprite by any means he saw fit to destroy the world around him with hatred, his first target….. Santa….. So he pulled out his dagger and came running at Santa, but little did he know Santa had his ax that he used for chopping wood with him. The duel began, it was a very gruesome duel, both sides ending up with serious injuries. When it was finally almost over, and victory appeared to be within young Tehwobblez hands, Santa used one last trick to save himself. He simply asked him “what is wrong, why do you want to destroy the world and why are you so angry?” The young tehwobblez answered quickly “I’ve been inside these woods for years, doing my best to try and find that which I had lost when I was a child.” Santa had no words for this moment, he was shocked that so much anger could come from losing something. So Santa turned and asked him another question “What is it that you seek young sprite, what is it that you’ve lost?” Tehwobblez replied “It was the only toy that I had been given by my parents who’re now dead.” So Santa asked a question again “Well, where was the last place you had it?” In which tehwobblez replied, “I put it inside of a whole in a tree that I used to store things that were important to me, but someone had cut that tree down.” Santa had no clue what to do being as he was the only one who had inhabited the area. Than it came to him, maybe one of the trees he’d cut down to use to build his cabin was one of those trees. He pleaded with the boy, “please stop, I’ve got an idea where it could be.” The young sprites eyes gleamed with excitement, and he replied, “Are you sure, I’ve searched for years and have never been able to find it.” Santa then welcomed the boy into his house, he said, “please have a look around, you may find that which you are looking for young one.” The boy looked around seeing so many decorations and knickknacks and he was overwhelmed by what all he saw. He asked Santa abruptly, “Did you make these yourself?” Santa replied, “Yes, with my own hands I whittled these from the trees of the forest.” The boys gleam in his eye disappeared as he replied, “But, what if one of the trees was MY TREE!” Santa replied, “I’m sorry young sprite, I had no clue when I came here that anyone even inhabited this place.” The boy had a fit of rage for a moment and just as he was going to throw his dagger at Santa and kill him something caught his eye, it was his toy sitting inside of the exact tree that he had put it in. Turns out Santa didn’t use that tree to make other toys, he used it as a wall for his cabin as the hole was a perfect shelf. The young Tehwobblez screeched with joy and ran over and took his toy. Santa apologized for he didn’t know it was his until he had asked him those questions. The boy was so happy to have his toy back, but he’d also lost his place to store the toys, so Santa asked said, “Well, you’re a young sprite, this land is far too harsh for someone like you to be out here all alone.” The sprite then replied “I’ve been doing it for more years than you.” Santa replied, “That may be so, but doesn’t it get lonely?” Suddenly, the sprite turned away with a tear running down his cheek he said “Yes, yes it does get very lonely out here since my parents died I’ve only had the animals to keep me company.” Santa asked the sprite, “Well why don’t you come live with me, you can not only have company, but you can have your tree back as well!” The boy was overly happy with this, he couldn’t come up with words to say in his excitement, all he could reply was “Yes” and so the tale is told of how a sprite almost killed Christmas, and how Santa almost killed a young sprite.

  • Parker Black

    An ashen dark evergreen tree
    Suitable effigy
    Ghost or three of Anti-Christmases past
    Satanic celebration
    Of this Christmas last
    Unbaptized child
    His fat now rendered
    For our candles
    The life surrendered
    In hopes that under
    This magick tree
    The gift of destruction
    Of our enemy
    Clothed in black
    We approach
    The altar of flesh and blood to invoke
    Come Lucifer, Come Belial & Satan
    Come Beelzebub
    We know they’ll all make it
    To burn, pillage & desecrate
    The cookies, the decorations, the presents they’ll take
    To replace them with darker portents
    Of an evil day
    They now gleefully beget
    Oh yes this will truly be a day to remember
    Blood everywhere this twenty fifth of December

    • Parker Black

      I really want that damn sweater.

  • Helen Nora Knight

    Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle all the way straight to hell.
    Oh what fun it is to ride down to where the Archangel fell.

  • Erik Rothfuß

    blood is red, santa is blue, I killed him, just for you

  • http://www.holyblasphemy.net Derek Murphy

    Submitted by Alina Lopez:

    You better not pray.
    It’s darkness today.
    Hell is open for the demons to play.
    Satan Claus brings War on Christmas.
    He’s making a list with death by his side.
    Going to find out who’s the virgin sacrifice.
    Satan Claus makes War on Christmas.
    He sees you when you’re sinning.
    He knows just how you break.
    He knows if you’ve been burning churches,
    In the local neighborhood!
    Ohhh
    You better watch out!
    You better not shout!
    You better tell the holy ghost to stay away!
    Satan Claus has War on Christmas!

  • Noe Serrano

    On Christmas Day
    I came out the way
    To say fuck off
    And enough!

    I hate Santa Claus
    He’s a fat sack of shit
    He never brought me presents
    He is the reason I have to buy presents, for my family

    And so with this rant
    I present to you
    My hatred for Santa
    And those darn pesky kids

  • rvdyt

    Santa’s sword is sharp
    He feeds reindeer to Mrs. Claus
    Free abortions this year

  • MadMarchHare3

    They say “Seasons Greetings”
    But
    What they really want
    Is Heathens Beatings

  • Cameron G

    My comment deleted?

  • Ninjette Nicholz

    OMG I had to change my computers compatability view to comment again….I hope I can still get my sweater! [email protected]