Satan’s New Year Resolutions: The Devil’s Tips on How to Make and Keep a New Year’s Resolution

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Satan’s Journal. If you’re anything like most people, you ate too much during the holidays and now you’re feeling determined to lose weight for your New Year’s Resolution; or else you promise yourself you’ll be a better person this year and make some vague, half assed resolution about “spending more time with family” or “being more helpful” or “being more generous” or “living life to the fullest.” Fuck you. If you thought that I, Satan, was going to help you make and keep your New Year’s Resolution then you thought wrong. I know you. I’ve watched you make countless New Year’s Resolutions over the years, with heartfelt, deliberate emotion, good will, peace on earth, etc. And yet days later you were back at the mall shopping for new toys, or involved in the same, petty bullshit as always. The world doesn’t revolve around you, get it?

And those of you who think you’re so noble, promising to “help others” or “feed the poor” – how much worse a person do you think it makes you that you don’t make good on those promises? It’s the thought that matters? Tell that to the still suffering, still starving, still abused, billions of people in the world that you didn’t do a damn thing to help.

Why am I so bitter and angry? I’ll tell you why. In fact I’ll share with you my own New Year’s Resolutions, which I hope will teach you how disgustingly self-absorbed this whole tradition is.

1) Get 100 million people to give up religion.

I know I know, it’s a small goal. 100 million isn’t a lot, but it’s something. What’s that? You don’t know why I want people to give up religion? Go to youtube and search for videos of people being stoned to death. Search Google for massacres taking place in Thailand (by the Muslims). Religion is a justification for very, very bad things. With it we can pretend that those terrible, disgusting deeds have a noble final purpose. They don’t. Getting religion out of the way reveals stupid malice and violence for what it is.

You think God cares about any of this? No. You know what that smug prick does? He sits around all day counting up the number of people who believe in him like a teenage girl checking her Facebook page every 10 seconds to see who has “liked” her newest photo.

2) Get 100 million people to believe in global warming and DO something about it.

There’s only one thing that pisses me off more than those idiots who still don’t believe in global warming: those idiots (yes, I’m talking about you) who believe in global warming but don’t make any lifestyle changes. They still drive their cars, buy bottled water, leave on all their lights and throw away batteries (or whatever else causes the ozone to melt, hell I don’t know). I came face to face with some stupid lady this week telling me that the earth was actually getting colder, so global warming can’t be true. Who do I blame most? Christians. It’s everybody’s problem, but the percentage of Christians who don’t believe or don’t care about global warming seems to be about as high as the percentage of moderate Muslims who believe in killing infidels.

3) Catch 50 more high profile religious leaders in sex scandals.

This has been a big year for me. I’ve destroyed some religious communities by exposing that their leaders – while preaching good Christian virtues – were secretly doing twisted and scandalous things behind closed doors. And I don’t mean things like “cheating”. A community could handle simple adultery. The religious authorities are always involved in perverse and strange sexual conduct: child molestation, sex with sisters, cousins, 3 or 4somes, orgies… some really sick shit. And there’s nothing – nothing as bad for religion and as good for science, progress and decency than a two-faced hypocrite master of religious nonsense stealing people’s money and then being exposed for the sick charlatan he really is. (I’m not, of course, actually against sexual depravity – between consenting adults. But I am fundamentally against hypocrisy.)

Those at least, are my three main goals. Of course I wish I could feed the poor, but unfortunately it doesn’t really work that way. What I have to do is convince people to help each other. Unfortunately, God’s good-cop bad-cop routine with Jesus seems to inspire philanthropy much better than anything I’ve ever come up with. All I can do is appeal to people’s decency or humanity, and that just isn’t as powerful as God’s “Love each other or I’ll punish you for eternity” rhetoric.

At the same time, I’ll admit I’m getting a little sick and tired of all this shit. Religion? Seriously? After all these years, after everything you humans have learned?

Happy Fucking New Year. Enjoy it while it lasts.